The Toddler's Way of Getting Things Done

Grown-ups make things way too complicated. This is the toddler’s approach to getting everything you want.

1. Mastering six words is enough
   Yes — No — Mama — Papa — That — Bah
   Those are all the words you need to get around and get things done.
   Variation in volume seems more effective than variation in vocabulary.
2. Don’t ask, just do
   If you want to do something, don’t ask, just do.
   If you want to have something, don’t ask, just get it.
3. Don’t listen, just don’t do
   If you don’t want to do something, simply don’t do it.
   If you don’t want to have something, simply don’t take it.
   Have it already? Drop it instantly.
4. Pointing gets the message across
   If you want something but can’t reach, just point and say “That”.
   If you don’t want something, point and say “No” or “Bah”.
5. Turning your body away gets the message across
   If you really don’t want something, turn your body away.
   Out of view is out of existence. Treat it as such.
6. Ardently waving and repeatedly saying “No” has effect
   If your parents decide that you have to do something and persist,
   turn away your body while waving your hand ardently at them.
   Now say “No” repeatedly and walk away.
7. Add screaming, tears and stamping your feet for more emphasis
   When your parents are really persistant,throw yourself on the ground.
   Start crying and screaming “No” loud and repeatedly.
   Stamp your hands and feet, throw stuff around.
   Slam doors and smash stuff.
   For added effect: do all of this in public spaces.

8. Make sure to spend your energy wisely
   Tantrums cost energy. Conserve it when there’s no obvious effect.
   Go full blown and flat out of your mind, when effect is guaranteed.

9. Saying “Papa” or “Mama” during a spontaneous hug afterwards works wonders
   After all of the above, walk towards your parents in a quiet moment.
   Climb on the couch, and hug them spontaneously and say “Papa” or “Mama”.
   This seems to erase all negative effects from the above instantly.

Posted in jelly beans on Tue 2008.06.10